Great Throughts Treasury

"Many men of course became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of because no one was really poor – at least no one worth speaking of."

"Many respectable physicists said that they weren't going to stand for this -- partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties."

"Many were increasingly of the opinion that they’d all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans."

"Mark Carwardine's role, essentially, was to be the one who knew what he was talking about. My role, and one for which I was entirely qualified, was to be an extremely ignorant non-zoologist to whom everything that happened would come as a complete surprise."

"Marvin trudged on down the corridor, still moaning. ...and then of course I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side... No? said Arthur grimly as he walked along beside him. Really? Oh yes, said Marvin, I mean I've asked for them to be replaced but no one ever listens. I can imagine."

"Marvin started his ironical humming again. Zaphod hit him and he shut up."

"Marvin was humming ironically because he hated humans so much."

"Mc Donalds he thought. There's no longer any such thing as a Mc Donalds hamburger. He passed out. When he came around seconds later he found he was sobbing for his mother."

"Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation."

"Modern elevators are strange and complex entities. The ancient electric winch and maximum-capacity-eight-persons jobs bear as much relation to a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Happy Vertical People Transporter as a packet of mixed nuts does to the entire west wing of the Sirian State Mental Hospital. This is because they operate on the curious principle of defocused temporal perception. In other words they have the capacity to see dimly into the immediate future, which enables the elevator to be on the right floor to pick you up even before you knew you wanted it, thus eliminating all the tedious chatting, relaxing and making friends that people were previously forced to do while waiting for elevators. Not unnaturally, many elevators imbued with intelligence and precognition became terribly frustrated with the mindless business of going up and down, up and down, experimented briefly with the notion of going sideways, as a sort of existential protest, demanded participation in the decision-making process and finally took to squatting in basements sulking. An impoverished hitchhiker visiting any planets in the Sirius star system these days can pick up easy money working as a counselor for neurotic elevators."

"Most of the words that airline staff used, or rather most of the sentences into which they were habitually arranged, had been worked so hard that they had died."

"Mozart tells us what it's like to be human, Beethoven tells us what it's like to be Beethoven and Bach tells us what it's like to be the universe."

"Mr. Cjelli, nice to see you back, sir. Sorry you had a spot of bother, hope that's all behind you now.Indeed, Bill, it is. You find me thriving. And Mrs Roberts? How is she? Foot still troubling her? Not since she had it off, thanks for asking, sir. Between you and me, sir, I would've been just as happy to have had her amputated and kept the foot. I had a little spot reserved on the mantelpiece, but there we are, we have to take things as we find them.... thank you, and my best to what remains of Mrs Roberts."

"Mr. L Prosser was, as they say, only human. In other words he was a carbon-based life form descended from an ape. More specifically he was forty, fat and shabby and worked for the local council. Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male-line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he had no discernible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only vestiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a predilection for little fur hats."

"Much to his annoyance, a thought popped into his mind. It was very clear and very distinct, and he had now come to recognize these thoughts for what they were. His instinct was to resist them."

"My absolute favorite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees."

"My capacity for happiness, he added, you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first"

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber"

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."

"My favourite piece of information is that Branwell Brontë, brother of Emily and Charlotte, died standing up leaning against a mantle piece, in order to prove it could be done. This is not quite true, in fact. My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees. However, this is not relevant to what is currently on my mind because it concerns sloths, whereas the Branwell Brontë piece of information concerns writers and feeling like death and doing things to prove they can be done, all of which are pertinent to my current situation to a degree that is, frankly, spooky."

"My happiness CAPACITY fit in a matchbox. Even if you remove both of the matches."

"My methods of navigation have their advantage. I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

"My name is Kate Schechter. Two 'c's, two 'h's, two 'e's, and also a 't', an 'r', and an 's'. Provided they're all there the bank won't be fussy about the order they come in. They never seem to know themselves."

"My name,' said the mattress, 'is Zem. We could discuss the weather a little.' Marvin paused again in his weary circular pplod. 'The dew,' he observed, 'has clearly fallen with a particularly sickening thud this morning.' He resumed his walk, as if inspired by this conversational outburst to fresh heights of gloom and despondency. He plodded tenaciously. If he had had teeth he would have gritted them at this point. He hadn't. He didn't. The mere plod said it all. The mattress flolloped around."

"My own strategy is to find a car, or the nearest equivalent, which looks as if it knows where it's going and follow it. I rarely end up where I was intending to go, but often I end up somewhere I needed to be."

"My universe is my eyes and my ears. Anything else is hearsay."

"NO ADMITTANCE. NOT EVEN TO AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME HERE. GO AWAY."

"No one really knows what mattresses are meant to gain from their lives either. They are large, friendly, pocket-sprung creatures that live quiet private lives in the marshes of Sqornshellous Zeta. Many of them get caught, slaughtered, dried out, shipped out and slept on. None of them seems to mind this and all of them are called Zem."

"No one with a thirst for knowledge goes to the university now. Half of the faculty has resigned, the other half gives courses in advanced ignorance"

"No private detective looks like a private detective. That's one of the first rules of private detection.But if no private detective looks like a private detective, how does a private detective know what it is he's supposed not to look like? Seems to me there's a problem there."

"No, he said, look, it's very, very simple ... all I want ... is a cup of tea. You are going to make one for me. Keep quiet and listen. And he sat. He told the Nutri-Matic about India, he told it about China, he told it about Ceylon. He told it about broad leaves drying in the sun. He told it about silver teapots. He told it about summer afternoons on the lawn. He told it about putting in the milk before the tea so it wouldn't get scalded. He even told it (briefly) about the history of the East India Company. So that's it, is it? said the Nutri-Matic when he had finished. Yes, said Arthur, that is what I want. You want the taste of dried leaves in boiled water? Er, yes. With milk. Squirted out of a cow? Well, in a manner of speaking I suppose..."

"No, said Arthur, no, he added thoughtfully. No, he added again, even more thoughtfully. What? he said at last."

"No. No games. He wanted her and didn't care who knew it. He definitely and absolutely wanted her, longed for her, wanted to do more things than there were names for with her."

"Nobleness was one word for making a fuss about the trivial inevitabilities of life, but there were others."

"Nobody got murdered before lunch. But nobody. People weren't up to it. You needed a good lunch to get both the blood-sugar and blood-lust levels up."

"Nobody likes a whistler, particularly not the divinity that shapes our ends."

"Not unnaturally, many elevators imbued with intelligence and precognition became terribly frustrated with the mindless business of going up and down, up and down, experimented briefly with the notion of going sideways, as a sort of existential protest, demanded participation in the decision-making process and finally took to squatting in basements sulking. An impoverished hitch-hiker visiting any planets in the Sirius star system these days can pick up easy money working as a counsellor for neurotic elevators."

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

"Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument goes something like this: I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing. But, says Man, The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED. Oh dear, says God, I hadn't thought of that, and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. Oh, that was easy, says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing."

"Now see here, Guy, said the voice, you’re not dealing with any dumb two-bit trigger pumping morons with low hair-lines, little piggy eyes and no conversation, we’re a couple of intelligent caring guys that you’d probably quite like if you met us socially! I don’t go around gratuitously shooting people and then bragging about it afterward in seedy space-rangers bars, like some cops I could mention! I go around shooting people gratuitously and then I agonize about it afterward for hours to my girlfriend!"

"Now, the invention of the scientific method and science is, I'm sure we'll all agree, the most powerful intellectual idea, the most powerful framework for thinking and investigating and understanding and challenging the world around us that there is, and that it rests on the premise that any idea is there to be attacked and if it withstands the attack then it lives to fight another day and if it doesn't withstand the attack then down it goes. Religion doesn't seem to work like that; it has certain ideas at the heart of it which we call sacred or holy or whatever. That's an idea we're so familiar with, whether we subscribe to it or not, that it's kind of odd to think what it actually means, because really what it means is 'Here is an idea or a notion that you're not allowed to say anything bad about; you're just not. Why not? - because you're not!"

"Numbers written on restaurant bills within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single fact took the scientific world by storm."

"O Deep Thought computer, he said, the task we have designed you to perform is this. We want you to tell us.... he paused, The Answer. The Answer? said Deep Thought. The Answer to what? Life! urged Fook. The Universe! said Lunkwill. Everything! they said in chorus. Deep Thought paused for a moment's reflection. Tricky, he said finally. But can you do it? Again, a significant pause. Yes, said Deep Thought, I can do it. There is an answer? said Fook with breathless excitement. Yes, said Deep Thought. Life, the Universe, and Everything. There is an answer. But, I'll have to think about it.... Fook glanced impatiently at his watch. How long? he said. Seven and a half million years, said Deep Thought. Lunkwill and Fook blinked at each other. Seven and a half million years...! they cried in chorus. Yes, declaimed Deep Thought, I said I’d have to think about it, didn’t I? [Seven and a half million years later.... Fook and Lunkwill are long gone, but their ancestors continue what they started] We are the ones who will hear, said Phouchg, the answer to the great question of Life....! The Universe...! said Loonquawl. And Everything...! Shhh, said Loonquawl with a slight gesture. I think Deep Thought is preparing to speak! There was a moment's expectant pause while panels slowly came to life on the front of the console. Lights flashed on and off experimentally and settled down into a businesslike pattern. A soft low hum came from the communication channel. Good Morning, said Deep Thought at last. Er..good morning, O Deep Thought said Loonquawl nervously, do you have...er, that is... An Answer for you? interrupted Deep Thought majestically. Yes, I have. The two men shivered with expectancy. Their waiting had not been in vain. There really is one? breathed Phouchg. There really is one, confirmed Deep Thought. To Everything? To the great Question of Life, the Universe and everything? Yes. Both of the men had been trained for this moment, their lives had been a preparation for it, they had been selected at birth as those who would witness the answer, but even so they found themselves gasping and squirming like excited children. And you're ready to give it to us? urged Loonsuawl. I am. Now? Now, said Deep Thought. They both licked their dry lips. Though I don't think, added Deep Thought. that you're going to like it. Doesn't matter! said Phouchg. We must know it! Now! Now? inquired Deep Thought. Yes! Now... All right, said the computer, and settled into silence again. The two men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable. You're really not going to like it, observed Deep Thought. Tell us! All right, said Deep Thought. The Answer to the Great Question... Yes..! Of Life, the Universe and Everything... said Deep Thought. Yes...! Is... said Deep Thought, and paused. Yes...! Is... Yes...!!!...? Forty-two, said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm."

"Obviously, someone had been appallingly incompetent and he hoped to god that it wasn't him."

"Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic."

"Oh don't give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit/ No, don't you give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit/ For my head will fly, my tongue will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die/ Won't you pour me one more of that sinful Old Janx Spirit"

"'Oh, how easy!' says Man, and for an encore, goes on to prove that black is white, and then be killed on the first pedestrian crossing that subsequently encounters."

"Ok, he said, I don't like to disturb you at what I know must be a difficult and distressing time for you, but I need to know first of all if you actually realize that this is a difficult and distressing time for you."

"On the delivery plate of the Nutri-Matic Drink Synthesizer was a small tray, on which say three bone china cups and saucers, a bone china jug of milk, a silver teapot full of the best tea Arthur had ever tasted and a small printed note saying Wait."

"One always overcompensates for disabilities. I'm thinking of having my entire body surgically removed."