Great Throughts Treasury

"Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society"? Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support the so-called "round earth theory." Dilbert: I think Christopher Columbus would disagree. Dogbert: How convenient that your best witness is dead."

"Dilbert: Wow! According to my computer simulation, it should be possible to create new life forms from common household chemicals. Dogbert: This raises some thorny issues. Dilbert: You mean legal, ethical and religious issues? Dogbert: I was thinking about parking spaces."

"Dinosaur: I plan to use punctuated equilibrium to turn this zit into a third eye. Catbert: That's not a natural advantage. You'd better stay away from the fitter dinosaurs."

"Dinosaur Strategy ? The Dinosaur Strategy involves ignoring all new management directives while lumbering along doing things the same way you've always done them. What makes this strategy successful is that it usually takes 6 months for your boss to notice your rebellion and get mad about it. Coincidentally, that's about the length of time any boss stays in the same job... You can safely ignore any order from your boss that would take 6 months to complete... If you wait long enough, any bad idea will become extinct. And most good ideas too."

"Dilbert's favorite gadget is his home theatre system."

"Dogbert: So, Since Columbus is dead, you have no evidence that the earth is round. Dilbert: Look. You can Ask Senator John Glenn. He orbited the earth when he was an astronaut. Dogbert: So, your theory depends on the honesty of politicians. Dilbert: Yes... no, wait..."

"Dogbert: Well you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Dilbert: But I'm allergic to citrus. Dogbert: Well you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, swell up and die."

"Dogbert's Group IQ Formula ? The Intelligence Quotient of any meeting can be determined by starting with 100 and subtracting 5 points for each participant."

"Dogbert's Laughter Guide ? The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke."

"Dogbert's Motto: Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching."

"Dogbert (advice to Boss): Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment. I recommend paying weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data. Then eat the wrong kind of foods and hope you die before the earth does."

"Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene? Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies."

"Do you see this thimble? I keep my morale in it."

"Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off your television screen. [TV remote control] Click. Ratbert (as lab rat, to scientist): Doc, we have to talk. Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese. At first I thought you were just being a good host. But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister.Scientist (thinking): Macaroni and cheese causes paranoia."

"Dogbert (gazing at night sky) No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert: Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. Dogbert: Thank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. Dilbert: It's the miracle of science."

"Dogbert's Theory of Mondays ? Mondays are not part of the productive work week."

"Doing Something ? As a manager, all of your information comes from employees. And they're all notorious weasels. That means 99% of the time you have no idea what the real problem is or what needs to be done. Whatever you decide to do is likely to fall into the random category. But you must do something ? i.e. act like a manager ? or else a better actor will replace you."

"Downsizing ? During the banking phase of my career I had the opportunity to work in a variety of jobs for which I was thoroughly unqualified. Fortunately, none of these jobs added value to the economy so my incompetence didn't do much damage to the local economy... It was during 1980 that I realized the world would run smoothly if companies employed far fewer people like me. In the years that followed, managers all over the world reached the same realization. It was the dawn of downsizing. The first round of downsizing erased people like me ? people in jobs that sound good in concept but provide no legitimate value to anybody. The company improved its earnings and nobody worked harder because of it. The second round of downsizing was tougher. The employees who remained had to work harder to pick up the duties of departing workers. But in many cases these were 'overtime exempt' employees, meaning they would work extra hours without squawking too much about extra pay. Result: The companies improved their earnings. They knew they had a winning strategy here. For the third round of downsizing, essential jobs were eliminated in huge numbers, but mostly in areas where the impact wouldn't be noticed for at least a year. That includes areas like research, new systems development, business expansion, and training. Result: The companies improved their earnings. There didn't seem to be any bottom to the downsizing well."

"Ego ? Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point, it's a good idea for the normal person not to stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. Fear of Change ? People hate change, and with good reason. Change makes us stupider, relatively speaking. Change adds new information to the universe; information that we don't know. Our knowledge ? as a percentage of all the things that can be known ? goes down a tick every time something changed. And frankly, if we're talking about a percentage of the total knowledge in the universe, most of us aren't that many basis points superior to our furniture to begin with."

"Either-or-Weasels ? Lack of specificity is one of the weasel's greatest tricks. It's hard to say no to something until you know what it is. When facing an either-or-weasel, most people would make the mistake of declining a vague invitation to meet and offering some sort of "reason" such as being busy. That won't work. It's a trap. The weasel would immediately respond to the reason of being too busy with an offer of flexibility. The weasel will meet anytime... The either-or approach is a time-honored weasel technique. Its most often used for selling things that people don't want. The weasel offers you two choices that both mean yes. For example, in my case the weasel offered to meet me either before or after my public appearance. That form of a question tricks the brain into considering which choice to pick instead of whether to meet at all. Luckily, I am an experienced weasel. I countered with another weasel trick that I call selective ignoring. I responded to her email by asking what she wanted to discuss, ignoring the question of when to meet. Now the weasel is on the other foot. If she accuses me of ignoring her question, she will appear pushy. That will work against her goal of persuading me to do something I don't want to do."

"Employees will be leashed and branded 'in order to improve morale'."

"Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems."

"Every company is better than your own. It's a rule of the universe."

"Dogbert's Theory of Assignments ? You can tell how important an assignment is by how it is communicated to you. All assignments are eventually delegated to the person who understands them the least."

"Engineers ? In contrast to 'normal' people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: (1) Get it over with as soon as possible; (2) Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant; (3) Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. These are sensible goals and ones that can produce great joy. The social skill of an engineer must be evaluated on the basis of these rational objectives, not on the basis of bizarre and nonsensical societal standards. Viewed in this light, I think you'll agree that engineers are very effective in their social interactions... Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic threshold for temperature and decency has been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. If you think about it logically, you are the only person who doesn't have to look at yourself, not counting the brief moments you look in the mirror. Engineers understand that their appearance only bothers other people and therefore it is not worth optimizing. Another plus: bad fashion can discourage normal people from interacting with the engineer and talking about the cute things their children do... Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity..."

"Everything he talked about had a kind of logic to it, but so do many things that are nonsense."

"Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo."

"Every generation of humans believed it had all the answers it needed, except for a few mysteries they assumed would be solved at any moment. And they all believed their ancestors were simplistic and deluded. What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality?"

"Everyone, including skeptics, will generate delusions that match their views. That is how a normal and healthy brain works. Skeptics are not exempt from self-delusion."

"Every other question has an answer to why. Only probability is inexplicable."

"Everything that motivates living creatures is based on some weakness or flaw. Hunger motivates animals. Lust motivates animals. Fear and pain motivate animals. A God would have none of those impulses. Humans are driven by all of our animal passions plus loftier-sounding things like self-actualization and creativity and freedom and love."

"Evolution favors monkeys. Eventually, humans will be kept in cages as pets. "Impossible! We humans will never allow ourselves to be treated like that. Now get out of my cubicle!""

"Failure always brings something valuable with it. I don?t let it leave until I extract that value."

"Except that everyone on earth will be celebrating the end of the millennium. Well... everyone except you.""

"Expert Weasels ? Television is full of experts lately. Experts generally say things you and I could concoct while drinking enormous quantities of alcohol. Sometimes I like to watch the news and act as if it's a game show where I have to guess how the experts will answer the questions. It goes like this: News Anchor: "Is it ever good to attack innocent people?" Me (at Home): (guessing) "Um... I think the expert will say no." Expert: "We should do whatever we can to avoid it." Me (at Home): "Woo-hoo! I'm still as smart as an expert! I believe I'll have another beer and try again.""

"Family Member: "Oh my God! What happened, Officer?" Cop: "He died of stupidity." Family Member: "What?" Cop: "Yep. He drank a case of beer, hijacked a truck full of anvils, and tried to drive it across a frozen lake in April." Family Member: "Do you have to write it up that way? It sounds so cruel." Cop: "No. I'll call it a driving accident.""

"Fame is more important than competence. Are you saying I'm more employable as a famous screw-up than as a competent nobody?"

"Few things are as destructive and limiting as a worldview that assumes people are mostly rational."

"Few things in life are less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed."

"Find me a normal person and I?ll show you someone you don?t know that well."

"Financial Weasels ? wherever there is money, there are weasels, usually in direct proportion. Someday an economist will win the Nobel Prize for discovering the exact dollar-per-weasel equation that explains our world. It will look something like this: 1 Weasel = $10. Wherever there is anything of value worth $10, a weasel will appear as if by magic. This explains why banks have so many employees (i.e. weasels) even though the entire banking system could be computerized and run by three people. Most of the banking weasels are employed solely to keep the other weasels from stealing all the money. Banks use a sophisticated system of weasel-cancellation technology, such as requiring at least two weasels to be in the vault area at all times... The entire financial system is designed to transfer money from lesser weasels to greater weasels."

"Flight Risk ?Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon."

"First you must understand how numbers changed reality. Some people think numbers merely reflect reality... but we believe that numbers create reality."

"For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson."

"For example, if every time you eat popcorn, one hour later you fart so hard that it inflates your socks, you can reasonably assume popcorn makes you gassy."

"For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays."

"For most people, it's easy to be passionate about things that are working out, and that distorts our impression of the importance of passion. I've been involved in several dozen business ventures over the course of my life, and each one made me excited at the start. You might even call it passion. The ones that didn't work out?and that would be most of them?slowly drained my passion as they failed. The few that worked became more exciting as they succeeded."

"For humans, honesty is a matter of degree. Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth... Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems... Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem ? other times just because they forgot. These types of challenges quickly become personal ? a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature... If not for the compulsions of engineers, mankind would never have seen the wheel."

"Form Over Substance ? If a document is over 2 pages long, few people will ever read it. And those who do read it won't remember it in 24 hours. That's why all your documents should be over 2 pages long. You don't want your readers to be influenced by a bunch of facts. You want them to look at your creative use of fonts and your inspired graphics. Good formatting leaves the reader with the clear impression that you are a genius and therefore whatever you're writing about must be a good idea."

"For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude."