Great Throughts Treasury

"Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked. Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach 'military age'. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state."

"Why would someone spend his whole life doing something he couldn't wait to get away from?"

"Would somebody just put a dick in that guy's mouth, please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now, do you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way, or are you just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting? 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you on the fucking street, where you belong, with your mother! And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway, so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! … You know? See … You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person. [response to heckler in audience]"

"With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius."

"Women like silent men, they think they're listening."

"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"

"Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed."

"You are all diseased. I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country. I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas."

"You can now buy vibrating panties. They're a kind of thong with a built-in vibrator. Just what we needed."

"You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose."

"You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick."

"You can’t argue with a good blowjob."

"You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it."

"You can't have it both ways. That depends on how intimately you know the other person… if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways."

"You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."

"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."

"You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient."

"You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!"

"You know a phrase I never understand? King size. It's used to denote something larger, but most of the kings you see are short. You ever notice that? Usually a king is a short little fat guy. You never see a tall king."

"You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate."

"You know what kind of guy you never see anymore? A fop."

"You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks."

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

"You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."

"You know what these God Bless America people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about What would Jesus do? They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!"

"You know what we need? Black Jell-o."

"You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I'll bet they 'd really enjoy going to school every day."

"You know what you never see? A really good-looking homeless couple."

"You know what, I said it this way: when you're born in this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. And I'm a notebook kind of guy: [pretends to be writing] "Oh, my God, did you see that? Did you see what he just did?..." And I watch the freak show, and I kept my notes, and I make up stuff about it, and I talk about the freaks. And the freaks are all humans, and they are all like me, and we are all the same. I'm not better, I'm not different, I'm just apart now. I'm separate, I'm over here, because I put myself out of the mix. I don't have a stake at the outcome. I'm not a cheerleader for a given outcome now."

"You know what you never see? A Korean guy with freckles and a big hook nose."

"You know, you'd think it'd be a fairly simple thing to come over to this continent, commit genocide, eliminate the forests, damm up the rivers, build our malls and massage parlors, sell our blenders and whoopi cushions, poison ourselves with chemicals, and let it go at that. But no. We have to compound the insult. Native Americans! I'm glad the Indians have gambling casinos now. It makes me happy that dimwitted white people are losing their rent money to the Indians. Maybe the Indians will get lucky win there country back. Probably they wouldn't want it. Look what we did to it."

"You learn something new every day. Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn't mean it's new."

"You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic."

"You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck. But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out."

"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

"You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos"

"You know what's good about being in your sixties? Your children are in their forties, so you don't have to worry about child molesters anymore. Unless, of course, one of your forty-year-old children is a child molester."

"You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain."

"You're just another American who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!"

"You want to know some REAL gourmet food? Toasted snail penises; candied filet of panda asshole; deep dish duck dick. Now you're talkin' cuisine."

"You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch."