Great Throughts Treasury

"Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information."

"Back Pay For Weasels ? Back injuries are the perfect weasel scheme because they're hard to disprove. Scientists don't even understand how backs work... The best time to fake a back injury is a week before you know you're going to get fired for incompetence (assuming there is no severance package). From that moment on, you're a protected species, like the red squirrels eating my roof, only more rodent-like. Your employer will be afraid to fire you after you've been injured on the job because it will look like retaliation for making your disability insurance go up. It's the perfect weasel trap."

"Because everything you perceive is a metaphor for something your brain is not equipped to fully understand. God is as real as the clothes you are wearing and the chair you are sitting in. They are all metaphors for something you will never understand."

"Be Happy That Weasels Infest The World ? Weasels are like motor oil for society. It wouldn't be fair to judge motor oil outside the context of the engine. If you put motor oil in your mouth, it would be slimy and filthy and leave a bad taste. But when that oil is inside an engine, it does an important job, and you're glad it's there. Weasels are the same way: slimy and disgusting but essential. And you don't want them in your mouth. Without weasels there would be no romance, no government, no friendship and no commerce.... If we allow ourselves to be bamboozled regularly it stimulates the economy and creates disposable income for weasels who are then able to buy whatever defective products we're selling. And that reminds me: thank you for reading my book."

"Biblical scholars tell us that this is the same meal that Jesus ate at the last supper. But hey, I'm sure you have a good reason for ordering something else."

"Boss Types with Dogbert - Hostage Taker: Traps you in your cubicle and talks your ears off. Fraud: Uses vigorous head-nodding to simulate comprehension. Motivational Liar: Has no clue what to do but says you're the best. Over Promoted: Tries to mask incompetence with poor communication. Weasel: Takes credit for your hard work. Moses: Perpetually waits for clear signals from above. Perfect Boss: Dies of natural causes on a Thursday afternoon."

"Blamestorming ? Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible."

"Beware of advice about successful people and their methods. For starters, no two situations are alike. Your dreams of creating a dry-cleaning empire won't be helped by knowing that Thomas Edison liked to take naps. Secondly, biographers never have access to the internal thoughts of successful people. If a biographer says Henry Ford invented the assembly line to impress women, that's probably a guess. But the most dangerous case of all is when successful people directly give advice. For example, you often hear them say that you should "follow your passion." That sounds perfectly reasonable the first time you hear it. Passion will presumably give you high energy, high resistance to rejection and high determination. Passionate people are more persuasive, too. Those are all good things, right?"

"Bob, you're like a son to me." "You don't have a son." "That's where I'm headed here.""

"Budgeting ? If you change the budget often enough, the employees will begin acting like gophers on a rifle range, afraid to do anything that draws attention. And where there is fear there is low spending. And where there is low spending there are huge stock options for senior management, followed by an eventual death spiral of the corporation. I had a point when I started all that, but I suspect it was not a compelling one... When you are forced to defend your budget there are two techniques to keep in mind: (1) lying and (2) lying."

"Brightsizing ? Pessimists point out that the first people to flee a shrinking company are the bright people who can take the 'buy-out' packages and immediately get better jobs elsewhere."

"Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words. Dilbert (thought): A little knowledge can be a ridiculous thing."

"Boss: Dilbert, You have been chosen to design the world's safest nuclear power plant. Dilbert: This is the great assignment that any engineer could hope for. I'm flattered by the trust you have in me. Boss: By "safe" I mean "not near my house.""

"But never being wrong is no proof that the method of testing is sound for all cases"

"Catbert, Evil Director of Human Resources [Talking to Pointy-Haired Boss]: "You don't need to reward employees. Just torture them less. It will feel the same as a reward.""

"Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you."

"CEO Weasels ? As a CEO, be sure to take control of the board of directors. Maneuever your buddies into any openings and conspire to kick off anyone who might be a threat to your compensation. Recommend a big pay increase for directors. They'll return the favor later by voting for a huge compensation package for you. As a general rule, it's good to have the sort of job where you can recommend pay increases for the people who recommend pay increases for you."

"Business Politeness ? When a lying weasel is shoveling huge wheelbarrows of nonsense at you, turn your back and use one foot to mime that you are kicking sand in his direction, like a cat covering his work in a sandbox. We should all agree that this means, "Your version of reality is creative and stimulating, I am sure that if someday scientists discover other universes, then what you say will be proven true. I for one am willing to wait until that day.""

"Certainly, he's touched my life and the fact that he's gotten better and was able to play again, makes me realize that what I do makes a difference,"

"CLM (Career Limiting Move) ? Used among micro-serfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM."

"Clinical psychologists have proven that ordinary people will alter their memories of the past to make them fit their perceptions. It is the way all normal brains function under ordinary circumstances."

"Chronic Cubicle Syndrome: If You Think You've Got It, You've Got It."

"Common sense isn't a real thing. And its ugly cousin, fairness, is a concept invented so dumb people could participate in arguments."

"Companies tinker endlessly with the formula for employee compensation. Rarely does this result in happier and more productive employees. The employees direct their energies towards griping and preparing resumes, the managers redirect their energies toward explaining and justifying the new system... The company that focuses on fundamentals will generate enough income to make any compensation plan seem adequate."

"Companies that are profitable are usually in the right place at the right time, and that's all there is to it. Those companies could be managed by gerbils and they would still make money hand over paw. Sure, in the beginning somebody invented something valuable, or stole it from somebody else, but since then it's been strictly auto-pilot. So forget about making the company more profitable, it's out of your control. Put your energy where it will make the most difference: surviving your frustrating and thankless job."

"Company Cults ? Your company might be a cult. That can be good because in terms of blending into the background it doesn't get any easier. Your company will tell you exactly how to behave in order to be indistinguishable from every other headcount... One way to find out if your company is a cult is to see if you have a "values statement". A values statement describes how the employees are expected to act and includes things like honesty, trust and teamwork. A values statement is created when managers realize their entire staff is infested with weasels. Weasel infestation is a huge problem for senior management because it greatly reduces the assets of the company that are available for them to steal via a process known as stock options... If you suspect that your company has become a cult, don't be alarmed unless you hear any of the red flag phrases such as comet, Kool-Aid, polygamy, shaved head and multilevel marketing."

"Complain Constantly About Your Workload ? Take every opportunity to complain about the unreasonable demands that are being placed on you. Reinforce your message during every interaction with a co-worker or manager. Here are some time-tested phrases that you should insert into every conversation: "I'm up to my ass in alligators" "I've been putting our fires all day." "I had 1500 voice mail messages today. Typical." "It looks like I'll be here on the weekend. Again." Over time, these messages will work themselves into the subconscious of everybody around you and they will come to think of you as a hard worker without every seeing a scrap of physical evidence to support the theory. In other words, don't be this guy: "I need to identify unnecessary and unproductive employees so I can cut costs. Does anybody have spare time to join my task force on productivity?" <Red-shirt puts up his hand> "Good, good... anybody else?""

"Competitive means not the highest. So we could get paid more if we worked at another company? Should we continue working as hard as we can or should we back off to a more competitive level?"

"Computers and rocket ships are examples of invention, not of understanding. ... All that is needed to build machines is the knowledge that when one thing happens, another thing happens as a result. It's an accumulation of simple patterns. A dog can learn patterns. There is no ?why&rdqo; in those examples. We don't understand why electricity travels. We don't know why light travels at a constant speed forever. All we can do is observe and record patterns."

"Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company."

"Compliance ? Given a choice between complying with a ridiculous policy and pretending to comply, weasels will do whatever is easiest. Usually it's easiest to pretend. If you choose to pretend, then you need an escape plan in case you get caught. Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law. But when it comes to your job, ignorance is an excellent excuse because it's so believable. Between the fact that your boss never tells you important things and the fact that you never read any email that's marked urgent, no one expects you to know anything. It's a miracle that you can find your cubicle. Use that reputation to your advantage."

"Consumer Weasels ? Weasels are irresistibly drawn to stores that have liberal return policies. To weasels, that's the same as 'free'... Weasels never feel guilty about returning merchandise because they always have a good excuse, such as "I only needed it for one day and they were charging me like I was going to wear it for the rest of my life.""

"Content Free Communications ? Faced with change, employees have one question: "What's going to happen to me?" A successful change management communication will avoid that question. Rarely does a business change result in everybody being happy and nobody getting the shaft. That can be a problem because change requires the participation of all parties, including the eventual shaftees. For management, the trick is to string everybody along until the change is complete and the losers can be weeded out."

"Conversation is more than the sum of the words. It is also a way of signaling the importance of another person by showing your willingness to give that person your rarest resource: time. It is a way of conveying respect. Conversation reminds us that we are part of a greater whole, connected in some way that transcends duty or bloodline or commerce. Conversation can be many things, but it can never be useless."

"Crazy personalities work, which is why people do it, but most manufacturers discourage it."

"Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

"Credit Cards ? Credit cards are very profitable for banks because bankers understand that people are both greedy and bad at math."

"Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto"

"Cubicle walls will be removed 'in order to improve communication'."

"Cubicles ? Assuming your computer hasn't made you sterile, someday your descendants will look back and be amazed that people of our generation worked in things called 'cubicles'. They will view our lives much the way we now view the workers from the Industrial Revolution who (I've heard) worked 23 hours a day making steel products using nothing but their foreheads... They might think it was the product of some cruel experiment... how we were forced to sit in big boxes all day, enduring a stream of annoying noises, odors and interruptions. Scientist: "Whenever you start to concentrate, this device on the desk will make a loud ringing sound to stop you." Employee. "Um. Okay." Scientist: "If your stress levels begin to normalize we'll have your boss pop in and give you an assignment that sat on his desk until it was overdue." ...If your company already has cubicles that doesn't necessarily mean it's doomed. But if the direction of the company is toward smaller cubicles or more people in each cubicle, you're doomed."

"Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent."

"Dating Coworkers ? The world is full of attractive people whom you will never meet. Your only hope for romance is to lower your standards until co-workers look good."

"Dilbert was a composite of my potato-shaped co-workers at Pacific Bell, when I had a cubicle job of my own."

"Dilbert [in his cubicle]: I ask for so little. [Pause] And boy do I get it."

"Dilbert: And we know mass creates gravity because more dense planets have more gravity. Dogbert: How do we know which planets are more dense? Dilbert: They have more gravity. Dogbert: That's circular reasoning. Dilbert: I prefer to think of it as having no loose ends."

"Dilbert: I?m addicted to e-mail. My endorphins spike when I get a message. When there are no messages, loneliness and despair overcome me. Dogbert: Have you tried sending e-mail to yourself? Dilbert: We don?t talk about that."

"Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method. Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called "time" and "cause and effect" exist. Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. Dogbert: Sounds cultish."

"Dilbert: I'm obsessed with inventing a perpetual motion machine. Most scientists think it's impossible, but I have something they don't. Dogbert: A lot of spare time? Dilbert: Exactly."

"Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. According to my calculations it didn't start with a "Big Bang" at all?it was more of "Phhbwt" sound. You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "Little Phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away."

"Dilbert: Maybe I'm unlucky in love because I'm so knowledgeable about science that I intimidate people. Their intimidation becomes low self-esteem, then they reject me to protect their egos. Dogbert: Occam's Razor. Dilbert: What is "Occam's Razor"? Dogbert: A guy named Occam had a rule about the world. Basically he said that when there are multiple explanations for something the simplest explanation is usually correct. The simplest explanation for your poor love life is that you're immensely unattractive. Dilbert: Maybe Occam had another rule that specifically exempted this situation, but his house burned down with all his notes. Then he forgot. Dogbert: Occam's Razor. Dilbert: I'm an idiot. Dogbert: I don't think we can rule it out at this point."