Great Throughts Treasury

"In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale."

"Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids."

"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

"In the minds of women, fatherhood used to be considered a part-time job. It was something men did at the end of the day between parking the car for the night and going to bed."

"Ironed Sheets are a health hazard."

"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."

"It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice."

"It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job."

"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."

"It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super-sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners."

"It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents."

"It was as if we were closing the door on the years of struggle. It wasn't fun anymore.”"

"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.""

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have.""

"It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style."

"It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive."

"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear.""

"It's nothing short of a miracle that for years women have worked together side by side in the kitchens of America. I would have been willing to bet in an atmosphere of blunt instruments and sharp cutlery, not one of them would have been left alive."

"I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby."

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

"I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it."

"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."

"I've got to bring out the big ammunition on sex education. The bra and girdle section of Sears just isn't doing it."

"I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying Open! was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me."

"Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you" to dessert that night. And for what?!"

"Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible."

"Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage."

"Laugh now, cry later."

"Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw."

"Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial."

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

"Memory deficiency got so bad with me, I forgot to repeat a piece of gossip I swore on my Grandmother's Grave never to divulge."

"Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff."

"Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown."

"Men who have a thirty-six-televised-football-games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated."

"Mothers-in-law who wear a black armband to the wedding are expendable."

"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."

"Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"

"My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up."

"My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job."

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"

"My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!'"

"Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand Canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence."

"Myths that need clarification: Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach. False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos."

"Never accept a drink from a urologist."

"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."