Great Throughts Treasury

"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."

"There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."

"There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids."

"There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M."

"There were really only two men I knew who ever got a laugh out of paying their income taxes. One was cheating the government and getting away with it. The other had a sick sense of humor and would probably have set up a concession stand at the Boston Tea Party and sold sugar cubes and lemon slices."

"Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, Some Americans say it tastes like chicken."

"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."

"There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model.""

"We've got a generation now who were born with semi-equality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attaché cases and our three-piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle."

"Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another."

"What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"

"What's it for?""

"What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?"

"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."

"When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, What kind of father is that? If you"

"When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States."

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

"When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me.""

"When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.""

"When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others"

"When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home."

"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old."

"Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere"

"Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick."

"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates."

"You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."

"You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan."

"Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."

"You were our first miracle. You were the genesis of a marriage, the fulfillment of love, the promise of our infinity...You were the beginning."