Great Throughts Treasury

"Have you any last requests before you're hanged? Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die."

"He secured a position on an ice wagon where his collateral was soon frozen."

"He wanted this on his tombstone"

"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against."

"Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia."

"Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago."

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

"How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?"

"How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’s Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter."

"I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me."

"I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots... (but found) only a pack of wild lies."

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

"I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature."

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

"I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck."

"I can do anything I want to do!"

"I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know"

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game."

"I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax."

"I could only teach him how to juggle his books."

"I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."

"I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach."

"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."

"I drink therefore I am."

"I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."

"I feel like a midget with muddy feet has been walking over my tongue all night."

"I had this Melanesian belle, a comely looking lass, and I was headed for the shrubbery, which grows very lush in those parts. Well, her husband was following behind holding a forefinger up in the air and crying, 'One dollah, one dollah!'"

"I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas that I'd like to discuss with thee."

"I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible . . . for loopholes."

"I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama."

"I like children - fried."

"I like children. If they're properly cooked."

"I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home."

"I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner."

"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

"I must have a drink of breakfast."

"I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve."

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"I never drink water; that's the stuff that rusts pipes."

"I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it."

"I never met a kid I liked."

"I never vote for anyone. I always vote against."

"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home."

"I now touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk."

"I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday."

"I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m."

"I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew."

"I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse."