Great Throughts Treasury

"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, Dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I am indebted to her for."

"I was married once - in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad."

"I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically."

"I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42."

"I’ll be down in the front row with a basket of last month’s eggs."

"I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother."

"I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42."

"I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise."

"If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for."

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it."

"If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it."

"If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon."

"If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind."

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

"If you don't like the news, buy a gun and go out and make your own."

"I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be crazy for the rest of your life."

"I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

"Improve memory with scientifically designed brain exercises."

"In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town."

"In reply to an accusation of drunkenness"

"In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime."

"It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast."

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."

"It is funnier to bend things than to break them."

"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."

"It’s headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet."

"It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."

"It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive."

"It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors."

"It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin."

"It's headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet."

"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."

"It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent."

"I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees."

"I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky."

"I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother."

"Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!"

"Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse."

"Lady: Are you really a man? WC: Well, I've been called other things."

"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed."

"Liberty and Freedom and Worship---there is a super-abundance of all three in this U.S.A under the law. The only people who are not being meted out full portions are the colored folks."

"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender."

"Man (to WC): You're drunk! WC: Yeah, and you're crazy. And I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life."

"Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time." WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.""

"Man: Do you know anything about electricity? WC: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at state prison."

"Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of."

"Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive."

"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive."

"More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol."

"My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw."