Scott Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

Adams, fully Scott Raymond Adams

American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author

Author Quotes

Weaseliest Professions ? I'd be great at any profession where it's hard to verify whether you are a maverick visionary or a stinkin' weasel. For example, I think I could be a famous physicist, as long as I stuck to theory and didn't try to detonate any bombs... Every few months I would write a paper full of things that were so smart-sounding that my readers would be forced to assume the confusion was originating in their own brains... Then I'd say, "If that doesn't make sense, maybe you should have paid more attention in school."

We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational.

Weaselmath ? Replacing small numbers with large numbers. If you were the proprietor of the Pocket Lint Museum in California, and you wanted to tout your popularity, you wouldn't say, "Visited by over three people per year and they only stopped to ask directions!" You would replace the small number three with the much larger number 12 million, as in "Located in a state with over 12 million tourist visits per year!" The beauty of weasel-math is that relevancy isn't important.

We figured it would save money in the short run and only later plunge the company into darkness after we executives had all left for other companies." "But you're still here."

Weasels are from Venus ? I realize that everything I say about women in this section is a gross generalization, unfair, untrue, and the result of my poor perception. In other words, it's just like everything I say. Later in the book I will say bad things about men to even up things. That said... There are two types of women: the ones who are currently in discomfort, and the ones who are actively seeking it. That's why women are more effective weasels than men ? because woman get some sort of bizarre enjoyment out of feeling bad. In the first group, the women currently in discomfort, the most popular causes include childbirth, menstrual cramps, headaches, men and wearing bad shoes. In the second, the voluntary pain seekers, we have the women who feel fine but are planning to watch sad movies, imagine bad things that don't exist, pick fights with men over things the men didn't mean to say, and shop for uncomfortable shoes... Men are comfort seekers and discomfort avoiders. I think I speak for most men when I say we only enjoy pain when it happens to other people, also known as entertainment... Women know how to inject pain into any situation. If a man has no reason to fight with a woman, she will sense the void and talk nonstop until some sort of pain is generated. For example, a man might begin to doze off or attempt to change the subject. That's proof that he doesn't care about the woman, and its ground for a fight. When you combine the natural pickiness of women with their ability to endure pain, you have a formula for total domination.

We know the goats are imported because they don?t speak English.

Well, actually there are kind of two reasons, depending on who asks. You know, when the Girl Scouts asked me, as they actually did, I told them it was a metaphor for his inability to control his environment. For you guys, I'd just say he's glad to see you.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

Well, I don`t think rocks would be very interesting to God," I said. "They just sit on the ground and erode." "You think that way because you are unable to see the storm of activity at the rock`s molecular level or the level beneath that, and so on. And you are limited by your perception of time. If you watched a rock your entire life it would never look different. But if you were God and could observe the rock over fifteen billion years as though only a second had passed, the rock would be frantic with activity. It would be shrinking and growing and trading matter with its environment. Its molecules would travel the universe and become a partner to amazing things that we could never imagine. By contrast, the odd collection of molecules that make a human being will stay in that arrangement for less time than it takes the universe to blink.

We need to talk, Paul. But first I'm going to bat your head and scratch you." "Hee hee! That's so cute." [Catbert prepares to downsize]

Well, it wouldn't be Friday if I didn't see Alice wearing her one pair of tan pants... I love the 'Business Casual' look for the way it combines unattractive with unprofessional while diminishing neither.

Unmarried men commit 90% of all violent acts. They should all be jailed in advance to prevent further atrocities. And I should become a media sensation for suggesting such a provocative thing. The End. ...It's hard to write a whole book when you're as gifted as I am at getting to the point.

We smoke the bacon so you don?t have to.

We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.

This is the project plan. We'll ignore our Legal department... Bypass the Accounting department... Instigate a fight between Marketing and Operations... and pray nobody notices our project.

This report shows how much your raise would be if raises hadn't been cancelled." "Wow! My imaginary life is doing great... Now back to pretending to work."

This week I was rendered useless by the stress of bad management." "That's something we only say in the cafeteria." "You're doing a terrific job!" "Try to find a middle range."

This will be a tough year for the company. It will take a special kind of team to get by. Specifically, it will take a much smaller team.

This year, we are looking for a warm day in the 30s.

Time ? The late weasel will swear that he left for the meeting with time to spare but he got a flat tire, was hit by a meteor, or realized halfway to the meeting that he wasn't wearing pants. The weird thing is that the excuses generally check out. You can go to the weasel's house and examine his wrecked car and see the meteor still embedded in the engine block. Individually the excuses of weasels are completely understandable. It's only collectively that you notice that meteors only hit people who prefer being late. If you asked him, he'd say it's not a preference ? he's just busy or disorganized or unlucky. That's weasel-speak for "I like being late and I have no respect for any other human being."

To err is human. To cover it up is weasel.

To put it bluntly, goals are for losers. That's literally true most of the time. For example, if your goal is to lose 10 pounds, you will spend every moment until you reach the goal?if you reach it at all?feeling as if you were short of your goal. In other words, goal-oriented people exist in a state of nearly continuous failure that they hope will be temporary. If you achieve your goal, you celebrate and feel terrific, but only until you realize that you just lost the thing that gave you purpose and direction. Your options are to feel empty and useless, perhaps enjoying the spoils of your success until they bore you, or to set new goals and re-enter the cycle of permanent pre-success failure.

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

Today when I see a stage and a thousand people waiting to hear me speak, a little recording goes off in my head that says today is a good day. I?m the happiest person in the room. The audience only gets to listen, but I get to speak, to feel, to be fully alive. I will absorb their energy and turn it into something good. And when I?m done, there?s a 100 percent chance that people will say good things about me.

There's nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

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American Creator of Dilbert Comic Strip and Author