Great Throughts Treasury

"Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin."

"Academy: A modern school where football is taught."

"Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous"

"Achievement is the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust."

"Adage, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth."

"Adder, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living."

"Age - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer the vigor to commit."

"Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking."

"Advice, n. The smallest current coin."

"Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."

"Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it."

"Air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful providence for the fattening of the poor."

"Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered."

"Ah, children of the sunlight and the gaslight, how little you know of the world in which you live!"

"Alien. An American sovereign in his probationary state."

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."

"Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third."

"Alone, adj. In bad company."

"Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded."

"An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws."

"An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins."

"Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead."

"Americanism, n. 1) The desire to purge America of all those qualities which make it a more or less tolerable place in which to live; 2) The ability to simultaneously kiss ass, follow your boss's orders, swallow a pay cut, piss in a bottle, cower in fear of job loss, and brag about your freedom."

"Amnesty, n. The state?s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish."

"Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom."

"Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense."

"Apothecary, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider"

"Appeal: In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw."

"An ambassador is a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given an office by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."

"An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching."

"An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."

"An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools."

"An egotist is a person interested in himself than in me!"

"An Italian proverb says: The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses."

"As a means of dispensing formulated ignorance our boasted public school system is not without merit; it spreads out education sufficiently thin to give everyone enough to make him a more competent fool than he would have been without it..."

"Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity."

"Arsenic, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn."

"Armor, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith."

"Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you."

"Battle, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue."

"Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk."

"Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money."

"Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things divine with marked respect ? don't have anything to do with them. Do not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought to be."

"Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having."

"Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband."

"Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal affairs. You may live."

"Bigot, one who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain."

"Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy."

"Beware of the compound adjective, beloved of the tyro and the 'poetess'."

"Belladonna, n. In italian a beautiful lady; in english a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues."