Great Throughts Treasury

"Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in mount etna, and i have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar."

"Body-snatcher, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker."

"Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen."

"Botany, n. The science of vegetables?those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling."

"Bride, n. - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."

"Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

"Brower was as courageous a criminal as ever lived to be hanged."

"Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another."

"Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

"Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries."

"Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle."

"Cartesian, adj. Relating to descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, cogito, ergo sum?whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: cogito ergo cogito sum?'i think that i think, therefore i think that i am;' as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made."

"Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it."

"Carnivorous, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns."

"Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age."

"Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."

"Children who have proven themselves to be incorrigible by the age of twelve should be quickly and quietly beheaded, lest they grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate the likeness of their being."

"Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool."

"Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead."

"Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."

"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- I think that I think, therefore I think that I am; as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made."

"Conclusion: sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second."

"Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet?two clarionets."

"Confidante. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C."

"Congratulation, n. The civility of envy."

"Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due."

"Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else."

"Consul. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."

"Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others."

"Consolation, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself."

"Consult, v.t. To seek another?s approval of a course already decided on. Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed."

"Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest."

"Conversation: A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor."

"Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness."

"Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."

"Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions."

"Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas."

"Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision."

"Debt is an ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver."

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."

"Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh."

"Death is a dignitary who when he comes announced is to be received with formal manifestations of respect, even by those most familiar with him."

"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent."

"Defenseless, adj. Unable to attack."

"Deep sadness is an artist of powers that affects people in different ways. To one it comes like the stroke of an arrow, shocking all the emotions to a sharper life. To another, it comes as the blow of a crushing strike."

"Deliberation. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on."

"Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work."

"Diaphragm, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels."

"Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket"

"Diagnosis, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse."