American Comedic Actor, Juggler and Writer
"I never saw anything funny that wasn’t terrible. If it causes pain, it’s funny; if it doesn’t, it isn’t. I try to hide the pain with embarrassment, and the more I do that, the better they like it. But that does not mean they are unsympathetic. Oh no, they laugh often with tears in their eyes."
"[Charles Dickens was] the bravest man who ever lived. He fathered ten children before they became tax deductions."
"A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell."
"A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does."
"Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there ever was one--and exceptionally well-preserved too."
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler."
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
"Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill."
"Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got."
"Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive--right, left, and in the middle."
"California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death."
"Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?" WC: "He'd think I was a sissy.""
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
"Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh."
"Customer: What have you in the way of steaks? WC: (I have) nothing in the way of steaks. I can get right to them."
"During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days."
"Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her."
"Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancée."
"Fields reloading! [Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted, "Camera reloading!"]"
"Girl: The only game I ever played was beanbag. WC: Beanbag? Ah, very good; it becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris. Many people were killed."
"Hangman: "Have you any last wish?" WC: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die." (pause) "Philadelphia will do.""