Great Throughts Treasury

"Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it. Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!"

"Do you know why they call it a blow JOB? So it'll sound like there's a work ethic involved. Makes a person feel like they did something useful for the economy."

"Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?"

"Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?"

"Don’t just teach your children to read… teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."

"Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they 'ought to be.' And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!"

"Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German. [on school uniforms]"

"Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things."

"Don't you get discouraged each morning when you wake up and realize you have to wash again?"

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

"Electricity is really just organized lighting."

"Even though men are complete assholes, you know what makes me mad about feminism? Somewhere along the way we lost "Hey, toots!""

"Every time you're exposed to advertising in America, you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. High quality, grade-A, prime-cut pure American bullshit."

"Ever wonder about those people who spend two dollars a piece on those tiny bottles of Evian water? Now try spelling Evian backwards."

"Environmentalists don't give a damn about the environment. All they are concerned with is getting more bike paths and Volvos."

"Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life."

"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"

"Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it."

"Everyone smiles in the same language."

"Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever wanna' run into - a fuckin' piece of shit businessman. And the proof of it, the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other. They don't trust one another. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. And he's gotta do it with a big smile on his face. You know that big, bullshit businessman smile? And if you're a customer - Whoah! - that's when you get the really big smile. Customer always gets that really big smile, as the businessman carefully positions himself directly behind the customer, and unzips his pants, and proceeds to service...the...account. I am servicing this account. This customer needs service. Now you know what they mean. Now you know what they mean when they say, "We specialize in customer service." Whoever coined the phrase "let the buyer beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. That's business."

"Everything beeps now."

"Everything is gourmet now: gourmet cuisine in a can, gourmet dining in a cup. Folks, try not to be too fuckin' stupid, will ya?"

"Everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highways with their RVs. But apparently the RVs aren’t enough, because behind them they are towing cars, motor boats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, ski jets, snowmobiles, para sails, hang gliders. Hot air balloons and two small two-,man deep sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack are lunar excursion modules. Doesn’t anyone take a f_ck_ng walk anymore?"

"Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me. Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it. And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff."

"First of all, I say "black". I say "black" because most black people prefer "black". I don't say "people of color". People of color sounds like something you see when you are on mushrooms. Besides, the use of people of color is dishonest. It means precisely the same thing as colored people. If you’re not willing to say "colored people" you shouldn't be saying "people of color". Besides, the whole idea of color is bullshit anyway. What should we call white people? "People of no color"? Isn't pink a color? In fact, white people aren’t really white at all, they're different shades of pink, olive and beige. In other words, they're colored. And black people are rarely black. I see mostly different shades of brown and tan. In fact, some light-skinned black people are lighter than the darkest white people. Look how dark the people in India are. They're dark brown but they're still considered white people. What's going on here? May I see the color chart? "People of color” is an awkward, bullshit , liberal-guilt phrase that obscures meaning rather than enhancing it. Shall we call fat people, "people of size"? By the way, I think the whole reason we are encouraged in this country to think of ourselves as black and white (instead of pink and brown, which is what we are) is that black and white are complete opposites that cannot be reconciled. Black and white can never come together. Pink and brown, on the other hand, might just stand a chance of being blended, might just come together. Can't have that! Doesn't fit the plan."

"Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see."

"For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice… you don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying… lobbying, to get what they want… Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I’ll tell you what they don’t want… they don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that… that doesn’t help them. That’s against their interests. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin' years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want obedient workers… Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and now they’re coming for your Social Security money. They want your fuckin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street, and you know something? They’ll get it… they’ll get it all from you sooner or later cause they own this fuckin' place. It’s a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in The big club. By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table has tilted folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good honest hard-working people... white collar, blue collar it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard-working people continue, these are people of modest means… continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you they don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t care about you at all... at all... at all, and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes everyday, because the owners of this country know the truth. It’s called the American Dream cause you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Fuck all the people who say, God bless, and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request."

"For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. Second, I don't vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know some people like to twist that around and say, "If you don't vote, you have no right to complain." But where's the logic in that? Think it through: If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and you screw things up, then you're responsible for what they've done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote—who, in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day—am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created. Which I had nothing to do with. Why can't people see that?"

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"Fuck rational thought."

"Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter."

"Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I'll tell you what they don't want. They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them."

"Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass."

"Fuck whole-grain cereal. When I want fiber, I eat some wicker furniture."

"George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

"Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in."

"Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!"

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."

"God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile."

"Government wants to control information and control language because that’s the way you control thought, and basically that’s the game they’re in."

"Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?"

"Gotta have my makeup, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!"

"Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up."