Great Throughts Treasury

"I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights."

"I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."

"I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, screwing is legal. So why isn’t it legal to sell screwing?"

"I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore."

"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!"

"I don’t have hobbies, hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free."

"I don't have hobbies, hobbies cost money. Interests, on the other hand, are quite free."

"I don't believe groups deserve extra-special names. For instance, midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs. They are not little people. Infants are little people; leprechauns are little people. Midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs. They don't get any taller by calling them little people. I wish their lives were different. I wish they didn't have to go around starring at other peoples crotches, but I can't fix that. And I'm not going to lie about what they are. The politically sensitive commandos would probably like me to call them "vertically challenged". They are not vertically challenged. A skydiver is vertically challenged. The person who designed the empire state building was vertically challenged. Midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs."

"I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds."

"I don't like authority and regulation, and I do my best to disrespect it, but I do that for myself. It's self-expression only."

"I don't think people should get credit for being honest and brave. I think there's a lot of genetic shit going on there."

"I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.' Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, We're the So-and-Sos, take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant."

"I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better."

"I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him."

"I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless."

"I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky."

"I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from."

"I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it..."

"I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to."

"I get a nice safe feeling when I see a police car and I realize I'm not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine."

"I gave up on this stuff. I gave up on my species and... I gave up on my countrymen. Because I think we squandered great gifts. I think humans were given great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain... We grew. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God... We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit ... Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. That kind of shit is very limiting for this brain we have. So we keep ourselves limited. And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us... And all that shit is nothing! It's nothing."

"I hate Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them."

"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."

"I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution."

"I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don't talk, he works out alone and I go home."

"I give you my revised list of the two commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself"."

"I get weary of this zero tolerance bullshit. It's annoying. To begin with, it's a fascist concept; it's what Hitler and Stalin practiced. It allows for no exceptions or compassion of any kind. All is black and white--no gradations."

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is… most of them suck."

"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. [...] I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! OK? Simple thing. That's all it is. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. That's what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. It's called "dick fear!" Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! You don't have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy at work. It sounds like this: "What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them!" And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs. It's called "fucking with people!""

"I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking."

"I know I'm a little late with this, but I'd like to get a few licks on this totally bogus topic before it completely disappears from everyone’s consciences. First I want to be really clear about one thing: as far as other people's feeling are concerned- especially these "victim groups"- when I deal with them as individuals, I will call them whatever they want. When it's one on one, if some guy wants me to call him a morbidly obese, African-ancestored male with a same gendered sexual orientation I'll be glad to do that. One the other hand if he wants me to call him a fat nigger cocksucker, than that's what it will be. I'm here to please. If I meet a women who wishes to be to be referred to as a motion-impaired, same gender-oriented Italian-American who is difficult to deal with, fine. On the other hand, I am perfectly willing to call her a crippled, Guinea dyke cunt if she prefers. I'm not trying to change anyone’s self image. But! But! When I am speaking generally, and impersonally about a large group of people, I will call them what I think is honest and fair. And I will not try and bullshit myself. Okay, so, who exactly are these victims?"

"I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created."

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."

"I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious."

"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."

"I know that. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. Some people are really fucking stupid. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll wind up with twenty or thirty names by the end of the day. Think about this; think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that."

"I like Florida; Everything is in the 80''s; The temperatures, the ages and the IQ''s"

"I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."

"I looked in the dictionary. "Cleanliness" is *not* next to "godliness." "Cleanliness" is between "claustrophobia" and "cleavage.""

"I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook."

"I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm."

"I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie."

"I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."

"I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school."

"I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself."

"I notice that unlike on other holidays, the police don't seem to make a big deal about drunk driving on Good Friday."

"I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes."

"I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no ‘I’ in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality and integrity."

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."