Great Throughts Treasury

"God bless you Canadian people. You're so fucking nice, eh?"

"God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time"

"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"

"He went from looking like a Greek god to becoming Buddha: quiet, contained, but so powerful, ... And he's such a fighter. I thought, 'He's going to the hospital, he'll be OK, he'll come out.'"

"'Hello! Let's not wait for the bread to rise! Take the crackers and the skin off your penis, we're leaving!' [imitating Moses leading the Jews out of Egypt]"

"Here's a little warning sign if you have a cocaine problem: Number 1, if you come home to your house and there is no furniture and your cats going "I'm out of here, prick!" WARNING! Number 2, If you have this dream, where your doing cocaine in your sleep, and you can't fall asleep and doing cocaine in your sleep and can't fall asleep AND YOU WAKE UP and doing cocaine! BINGO! Number 3, If on your tax forms, it says "50,000 dollars for snacks! MAY DAY!"

"Here's my idea for a fucking sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole. Like pool Fuck off pool, not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick. I whack a ball its goes in a gopher hole. Oh you mean like croquet? Fuck croquet. I put the hole hundreds of yards away. Oh fuck of ya, Oh like a bowling thing? Fuck no, Not straight I put shit in the way. Like trees and bushes and high grass. So you can lose you fucking ball. And go whacking away with a fucking tire iron. Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you'll have a stroke. Fuck that's what we'll call it, a stroke, cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna fuckin die. Oh great, oh and here's the better part, oh fuck, this is brilliant. Right near the end I'll put a little flat piece with a little flag to give you fucking hope. But then I'll put a little pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again. Ay, you'll be there cracking you ass, jacking away in the sand, oh and you do this one time? Fuck no. 18 fucking times. [talking about the invention of golf]"

"Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species. [about Michael Jackson]"

"How can you take an economic crisis seriously?"

"I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice."

"I believe that once we are all gone, Keith Richards will still be here... with 5 cockroaches saying 'you know I smoked your uncle, did you know that?'"

"I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing, ... They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great."

"I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the gates of Heaven where George Washington comes out, says, How dare you defile what I have created, and starts whaling on his ass, then 70 other members of the Continental Congress come out and start kicking the shit out of him. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my virgins? 71 *Virginians*, you asshole! Or maybe it's 71 Virgils going, You got a purty mouth! Jesus Christ! I put in a call to Jesus Christ! And St. Peter goes, Hey Jesus, did you call a cab? Come here!"

"I don't feel anything. I don't care for anything. Fukitol. The closest thing you'll ever be to being in a coma: Fukitol. I'm sitting here in my own dung. Fukitol."

"I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don't know how big this gets."

"I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing. That's like saying, I go to stock car races to see people take left turns all day. No, you go to boxing to see somebody get the FUCK beaten of 'em."

"I had a lovely military flight, thank you. I love spiraling in -- nothing like that to make your colon go, Fire in the hole!"

"I have a plan, it's an interesting plan. It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter, and Muslims will get Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. Now... obviously, the people in the lawyers section for HBO are going Oh, fuck off. What are you doing, you asshole."

"I heard it! The PCs! We crossed the politically correct line! It was okay to beat the shit out of him, but don't do the ethnic joke!"

"I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is, and I know it lies within Keith Richards. He is the only man on the planet who can go Anthrax?"

"I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out."

"I like to consider it more like severe companion. If you only have one room, and I like to call it my private space, use the light well. You know. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds. Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory."

"I love running cross country.... On a track, I feel like a hamster."

"I see! You've had a problem too, I guess. Father pats little boys down, like, 'Good game! Good game! Wash up Timmy, really wash up!' What they need, is a little shock collar for problem priests. 'You know Timmy, I think-Ow! Tommy, I-Ow, hurt me!' Or the automated confessional, could be fun. 'If this is a venal sin, press one. If this is a carnal sin, press two. If this is cardinal law, please stay on the line.' Cause you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a *felony!* So we have to keep track!"

"I still think Nancy does most of his talking; you'll notice that she never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."

"I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say He's got ADD. Fuck that, he's multitasking."

"I want a drug that encompasses it *all.* We'll call it Fukitol."

"I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that."

"I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany? And I said, Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"

"I was watching a show once and they asked a Peruvian Indian chief 'What is Cocaine?' 'Cocaine? That's our gift to the white man for what you've done to us. You steal our land, we give you monkey for your back'"

"I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open."

"I wonder what chairs think about all day: Oh, here comes another asshole."

"I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though."

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

"If ya want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 'Cause ya couldn't fucking understand them before..."

"If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there."

"If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?"

"I'm an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It's like same religion, half the guilt."

"I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!"

"I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now"

"I'm saying You're lucky he just bit somebody. Mike just got out of prison; you're lucky he didn't FUCK him."

"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."

"Imagine some guy blows himself up and goes to the gates of Heaven saying 'Where are my bitches?' 'Here are your raisins!' [talking about the '71 dark-haired virgins' being translated as '71 crystal-clear raisins']"

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say Stop, or I'll say stop again."

"In the beginning, Genesis, 'let there be light.' Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang? [talking about Fundamentalists]"

"In the dictionary under redundant it says see redundant."

"In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named made off. Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?"

"Instead of on the dollar bill, instead of in God we trust, in Gates we trust. Mr Gates, when did you realize you were creating a monopoly? Monopoly's just a game, Senator... I'm trying to control the fucking world. Right now it's Information Technology. Soon it will be Total Information Technology: TIT. And while you're sucking on the TIT, I have you by the motherboard!"

"Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go omg, omg, wtf, zzz? Is that rude?"