Great Throughts Treasury

"What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."

"When exactly did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He's not a macy's day float! Bring him down it's time for elections!"

"When I was growing up they used to say, Robin, drugs can kill you. Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, Robin, you need drugs to live. I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer..."

"When in doubt, go for the dick joke."

"When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker."

"When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'"

"When this whole thing happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. Instead of Give me your tired and your poor, it would be her with a baseball bat going "

"When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?"

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

"Woman, you know why men buy you all those Long Island Ice Teas. They want to get to know you as a person. Liar! They want your mind to take a hike so they can go Hahahaha you find me repulsive! Cause men when they drink they don't care anymore they could walk up to you and go Hi, what's your name darling? ...Fuck off? Really are you Russian? Fabulous, fabulous that's the beautiful thing! Ohhh I get it you want me to... Miss uptight bitch! Ohhh you're probably a lesbian! Ohhh excuse me I can't say that word any more... Woman in comfortable shoes forgive me!"

"Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em!"

"Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoop dee doo. Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber; you do the math! Yeah, I healed someone. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that! And people tell me Jesus wasn't Jewish... of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. Working in his father's business, his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish, *give it up!* It's an old tradition! And he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish. But, for the Last Supper, would they not have gone out for Chinese? I think so."

"You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'"

"You know in England if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. So if you commit a crime: "Stop! Or, or I'll say stop again!""

"You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."

"You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter."

"You must look at it from a historical perspective, though. He's George the second, the boy king, a man we thought could only lose, but somehow won because of confused Hebrews."

"You try and do special things for your kid. I thought "I'll take him to Disneyland. That'll be fun." Disneyland for a three year old... Mickey Mouse for a three year old... bullshit. Mickey Mouse to a three year old is a six foot fucking rat!"

"You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to."

"You're 50! And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, to keep all of your organs intact until your golden years? No. Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? No. They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra!"

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

"You're saying the Oscars are also political, OH FUCK OFF."