Great Throughts Treasury

"It doesn't scare me that Dubya waved at Stevie Wonder; that's okay. Stevie's only been blind since *birth!* He's like, 'Stevie!' and Stevie's going, 'Is that muthafucka waving at me? Goddamn! Does he think I'm *lookin* for him? Goddamn!' No, what scares me is that Dubya almost died from a fucking pretzel! They have billions of dollars in national defense. They want billions more, to up the stakes, and the President almost goes down from *snack food!* Secret service are like 'Game's over man!' 'Gilligan's down! Gilligan's down! His own dogs didn't care! They were licking him for the salt!"

"It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch."

"It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting."

"It must be him talking about business, it's like having a leopard giving you a facial; it doesn't really work! Oopsey! A lot of our imports come from other countries. No shit, Jason!"

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Oh damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?... He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say severe radiation? Oh, look, you got a little balloon now. [spoofing Mr. Rogers]"

"It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you, when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead."

"I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

"Jesus was an only child, and thank God, because who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ?"

"Ling-Ling the Panda, she must mate so you can build a wing on the zoo. So they go to China, they anesthisize a panda, which is kinda redundant, and bring him back to America, and name him Ping-Pong, aw. When his Chinese name was Moo-shu Ka Her, Bear with Balls of Steal. And they put him in the cage with Ling-Ling and say Go mate, and he looks at her like...I woudld never fuck her. That is one ugly panda bitch. If you were panda, you would know she one ugly panda bitch. I'd rather lick my own balls then fuck that panda bitch. I wouldn'd fuck her with a koala's dick."

"Look, I don't have any wrinkles. You also have no expression. [about Botox]"

"Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, I'm there!"

"Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are."

"Michael Jackson's claiming racism, I'm like Honey, you gotta pick a race first! What, are you suing for mistreatment of elves, what are you saying? Girl, you gotta pick a gender too! You were Diana Ross, now you just left it all behind! Weren't you the one who said, 'Cut me, sue me, woo!' Movin' right along! And Michael, you're not, you're not a freak... you're just, surgically enhanced. And you've spent more money than the Vatican, so let's not talk about that right now! Shhhh! In Neverland, there's a sign that says, 'You must be this high to ride Michael!'"

"Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!"

"Mr. Chaney's meeting with the Enron people?"

"My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner. Are you on drugs? No, I'm looking for food. And I'm sure in Kenya they have a chicken that can run a sub 2-hour marathon....One of my favorite runners of all time was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics [marathon] running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, he carried the fuckin' shoes. No performance enhancement there."

"My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going Two Jews walk into a bar..."

"My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."

"My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist."

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."

"Not only will you kick my ass, but you'll sing about it, afterwards. Oh, the night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and shit in your hat."

"Now Martha Stewart may become somebody"

"Now we get to see Tanya Harding fight Paula Jones in an all white trash weekend."

"Now we have shows like THE CHAMBER, THE CHAIR, and FEAR FACTOR. People in Texas are going We got those shows, WE JUST DON'T FILM THEM."

"Now, at the airports, if you're heavily pierced, like some of my friends, it's like, (steps forward) BZZT! Please remove anything from your pockets. Tip of the iceberg. (pantomimes removing various piercings from the ears, nose, eyebrows, lips; then reaches to the side, grabs an imaginary drill, points it at his crotch and makes a drilling noise) For those playing the home game, this is what's known as a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish...Victoria, I'm dying...I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me..."

"Okay, let's look at the weather map...(screen behind him shows a massive cyclone) ...FUCK! This is Hurricane Siobhan, this map represents the entire south, the asshole in the middle is Dallas...um, back to you, Ted, I think I just shit myself."

"On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested."

"Osama Bin-Ladin is a six-foot-five Arab on dialysis... why is that so fucking hard to find?"

"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."

"Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Reality: What a concept!"

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then."

"Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift."

"Sorry girl, gonna have to put you down!"

"Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!""

"Thank you for the standing ovation. We've had the orgasm up front, let's have a cigarette, let's relax. We're here in New York - fuckin' NEW YORK. Obviously, this will not be your normal night of theatre... This will be Shakespeare with a strap-on! 'So that's the way you like it!'"

"Thank you. HOW... DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!"

"That and the leather and the dancing!"

"That's a tough gig. I'd imagine he ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going:"

"The brightest light has gone out."

"The brightest light has gone out. We will forever celebrate her loving spirit."

"The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, Vhat's that noise?"

"The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material"

"The manly sport of golf where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. You can wear clothes that even a blind gay man would go, oh dear christ. Those are loud this is not carnivale what the fuck are you on? Even the alligators going, Asshole. It's such an exciting, athletic sport too. Whack the ball, get in the cart. Whack the ball, get in the cart. And the commentary is electrifying. Just this side of curdling for getting me going. I'm on the third green now. Could people be quieter I'd like to hear the grass grow. I want the guy who does mexican soccer to do golf one time. He's hit the ball. The ball is going into the, HOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE! just to see all those old waspy motherfuckers go, Oh dear Christ. My god, they're not gardening they're playing now."

"The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard."

"The moments of comedy are there. But the whole idea of a vacation is the stripping away of stuff and then, by the end of the vacation, (at least) in my life, you do have these moments as a group, as a family having a great time, so mellow again. It takes a while to do that but that's what this movie is about."

"The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?""