Great Throughts Treasury

"The only weapon we have is comedy."

"The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one, number two, they said that marijuana was a performance-enhancing drug."

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."

"The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!"

"The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using Supposi-Sound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why."

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

"The Swiss...the nice Germans, or as they like to say, the other white race. Now how can you trust an army"

"Then comes a very special time. Your first test as a father. A diaper... you're ready. You may have been a lumberjack... you may have been a marine... you may have seen blood and guts. But you've never seen caca like this. It's incredible stuff; part toxic waste, part velcro."

"Then there are those that smoke marijuana going 'alcohol's a crutch man'"

"There are so many beautiful parts of the world . . . Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here . . . 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been."

"There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say Fuck off! That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!"

"There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, People--they're kinda like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in your garden. My love goes with you."

"There was one guy that had an amazing claim to fame, in terms of drugs and sports. And his name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows, thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Those of you who have taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be."

"There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are like, Uh, that's like football without pads, right? For the rest of the world, it's football. For us, it's A strange sport, played by damaged people."

"There's a gay mafia! *Shhh!* The Mauve Hand... the Fairy Godfather:"

"There's your dick like a midget in a diving suit...We're going in today, Pete. We didn't make the deadline."

"These are people so stoned they can be eating city litter and go, 'wow this is really crunchy man'. These are the same people who get their pets stoned. This is not a good idea! Your dog is not that high up on the food chain to begin with. He barely just learned to lick his own genitals, leave him alone!"

"These drugs have side effects that go on for fuckin' days, like tendency-to-grow-another-head, oh my God! When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine, side effects were paranoia, ninjas-on-the-lawn; quaaludes, side effects were talking in tongues, English as a second language; marijuana, side effects were laughter, Frosted Flakes."

"They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going I'm outta here, prick!, Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, $50,000 for snacks, MAYDAY!"

"They don't even bother drug-testing the snowboarders, they just go "

"They made porn movies, of my movies! Good Will Humping? Okay... Wet Dreams May Cum? All right... Snatch Adams? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on."

"They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old woman, 'Why, cause I'm gonna knit an Afghan?' Give 'em to me! And they're patting the little boy down, and he's going, 'What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me!' [talking about airport security]"

"They tell me now that SpongeBob is gay. SquarePants is not gay. Tight pants maybe. SpongeBob Hot Pants? You go, girl!"

"They're saying that some of the Olympic Referees were being paid off, OH SHIT. SAY IT AINT SO."

"This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks."

"This is Enron Field, we were gonna call it Fifth Amendment Field... We can't call it We're Fucked Field."

"Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What's that? A book. <hissing noise> Who are you? Dad. I miss you. Let's talk."

"Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. People in Texas are going, Shit, where's the fun in that? Man, they were zapping retarded people every other week. It would be like, OK, go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy. BZZT."

"Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so! [On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience]"

"We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."

"We are so thrilled that Watson has partnered with us as we continue to improve the health care in our area."

"We constantly stress defense and that was the difference."

"We could have had Jim Bob, the son of God."

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."

"We men are driven to look for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now."

"We show-ed a lot of intensity on defense early. But we missed one of our point guards who is the spark for our defense."

"We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go no..."

"We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!"

"We will all be dead and gone, but Keith"

"Welcome to Washington, D.C., where the buck stops here! And then it's handed out to AIG and many others."

"We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glowworm."

"We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that."

"We've been through quite a few. We're very aware and cautious with hurricanes,"

"We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."

"What drunken, German gynecologist invented this sport? What guy went, I want to dress like a sperm, shove an ice skate up my ass, and ride balls first down an ice chute. Ya. That would be fun. ?"

"What is a stealth bomber? It's a bomber that doesn't show up on radar, and you can't see it. Then we don't need one."

"What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter...just add a Honey Baked Ham and you've got a redneck Christmas. Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a hell of a lot better than dirt, number one. Number two, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, (intense, stoned stare) Pop-Tarts!"

"'We're traveling, people, you don't want sand in there. Let's go!' [as a Jewish citizen]"