Great Throughts Treasury

"I will admit it has rained more under Republican administrations, that was partially because they have had more administrations than Democrats. There is no less sickness, no less earthquakes, no less progress, no less inventions, no less morality, no less Christianity under one than the other. They are all the same. It won't make 50 cents difference to a one of you. Unless you're foolish enough to bet on it."

"I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world."

"I wish I could think of something else as true and as good. Some of my very best friends are lawyers, and are yet, but they don't think their fraternity is some almighty deity. The biggest part of the lawyers are regular guys the same as most of them are honest and high type in their profession, but they know there is undesirable among them, and they are not going to faint when it's mentioned."

"I wonder if it isn't just cowardice instead of generosity that makes us give tips."

"I would love to see Mr. (Henry) Ford in there, really. I don't know who started the idea that a President must be a Politician instead of a Business man. A Politician can't run any other kind of business. So there is no reason why he can run the U.S. That's the biggest single business in the World."

"I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it."

"I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago."

"If a bank fails in China, they behead the men at the top of it that was responsible...If we beheaded all of ours that were responsible for bank failures, we wouldn't have enough people left to bury the heads."

"If a man wants to stand well socially, he can’t afford to be seen with either the Democrats or the Republicans."

"If a thousand shares of stocks or bonds make nothing, you pay nothing. But on a thousand acres of land you pay enough to support half the community who own no land and pay no taxes"

"If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them."

"If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world."

"If all the time consumed in attending dinners and luncheons was consumed in some work, the production of this country would be doubled."

"If by some divine act of providence we could get rid of both parties and hire some good men, like any other good business does, that would be sitting pretty."

"If everybody (traded his car for a horse) they would be out of debt in a couple of years. Just think, no gas, no tires, no roads to pay for."

"If he has no sympathy for the man that does love horses then there is something worse the matter with him."

"If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week."

"If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of Congress."

"If I was a President and wanted something I would claim I didn’t want it. Congress has not given any President anything he wanted in the last 10 years. Be against anything and then he is sure to get it."

"If it wasn't for Wills, lawyers would have to go to work at an essential employment. There is only one way you can beat a Lawyer in a death case. That is to die with nothing. Then you can't get a Lawyer within 10 miles of your house."

"If nobody wants to disarm with us, we will show ’em we are right. We will shame ’em into it—if we have to sink our last life preserver to do it."

"If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?"

"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?"

"If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production."

"If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later."

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

"If they are going to argue religion in the church instead of teaching it, no wonder you see more people at a circus that at a church."

"If this depression stays with us, the loser Tuesday is going to be the winner."

"If Wall Street paid a tax on every “game” they run, we would get enough revenue to run the government on."

"If we could just send the same bunch of men to Washington for the good of the nation and not for political reasons, we could have the most perfect government in the world."

"If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone, 'America died from a delusion that she has moral leadership."

"If we really wanted to honor our boys, why didn’t we let them sit on the reviewing stands and make the people march those fifteen miles? They didn’t want to parade, they wanted to go home and rest."

"If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable."

"If you can't identify it, don't stick it in your mouth."

"If you don’t make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep."

"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old."

"If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics."

"If you feel the urge, don't be afraid to go on a wild goose chase. What do you think wild geese are for anyway?"

"If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."

"If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around."

"If you got a dollar, soak it away, put it in a savings bank, bury it, do anything but spend it. Spending when we didn't have it put us where we are today. Saving when we've got it will get us back to where we was before we went cuckoo."

"If you have a radio, the next three months is a good time to have it (quit working). All you will hear from now until the 4th of November will be: 'We must get our government out of the hands of predatory wealth.' 'The good people of this great country are burdened to death with taxes. Now what I intend to do is ...'What he intends to do is try and get elected. That's all any of them intend to do. Another one that will hum over the old static every night will be: 'This country has reached a crisis in its national existence.'"

"If you live life right, death is a joke as far as fear is concerned."

"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep."

"If you send somebody to teach somebody, be sure that the system you are teaching is better than the system they are practicing."

"If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing."

"If you want to know how a man stands, go among the people who are in his same business."

"If you want to ship off fat beef cattle at the end of their existence, you have got to have ’em satisfied on the range."

"If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there."

"If your Income Taxes go to help out the less fortunate, there could be no legitimate kick against it in the world. This is becoming the richest, and the poorest Country in the world. Why? Why, on account of an unequal distribution of the money."