Great Throughts Treasury

"I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined or hard to check as a socially ambitious mother."

"I generally give the party in power, whether Republican or Democrat, the more digs because they are generally doing the country more damage. The party in power drawing a salary is to be knocked."

"I go too fast to see much, only the tops of everything. I've got to prowl slow some time through this country."

"I got no Philosophy. I don't even know what the word means. The Fourth Reader, (McGuffy's) is as far as I ever got in schools. I am not bragging on it, I am thoroughly ashamed of it for I had every opportunity. Everything I have done has been by luck, no move was premeditated. I just stumbled from one thing to another. I may be making the wrong use of any little talent (if any) that I accidentally have. I don't know."

"I guess no individual ever invented can pass the buck as quick as a nation can."

"I guess our country holds the record for dumbness. The Pope spoke to the world this morning in three languages and we didn’t understand a one of ’em. But the minute he finished and the local stations got back to selling corn salve and pyorrhea tooth paste we were right up our intellectual alley again."

"I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage."

"I guess there is no two races of people in worse repute with everybody than the international bankers, and the folks that put all those pins in new shirts."

"I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies."

"I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you."

"I have a scheme for stopping war. It’s this—no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one."

"I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth."

"I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it."

"I have been trying my best to help (the President) and Wall Street Restore Confidence. Confidence, is one of the hardest things in the World to get restored once it gets out of bounds. I have helped restore a lot of things in my time, such as cattle back to the home range. Helped to revive interest in National Political Conventions. Even assisted the Democrats in every forlorn pilgrimage, and a host of other worthy charities. But I tell you this Restoring Confidence is the toughest drive I ever assisted in. When I took up the work two or three weeks ago, confidence was at a mighty low ebb. Wall Street had gone into one tail spin after another… I am telling (folks) that the Country as a whole is Sound, and that all those who's heads are solid are bound to get back into the market again. I tell 'em that this Country is bigger than Wall Street, and if they don't believe it, I show 'em the map."

"I have looked politics and the movies both over and, while they have much in common I believe politics is the most common, so I will stay with the movies."

"I have no Politics. I am for the Party that is out of Power, no matter which one it is. But I will give you my word that, in case of my appointment, I will not be a Republican; I will do my best to pull with you, and not embarrass you. In fact, my views on European affairs are so in accord with you, Mr. President, that I might almost be suspected of being a Democrat."

"I have not aligned myself with any party. Sitting tight waiting for an attractive offer."

"I have often said in answer to inquiries as to how I got away with kidding some of our public men, that it was because I liked all of them personally, and that if there was no malice in your heart there could be none in your Gags, and I have always said I never met a man I didn’t like."

"I have read all Presidential speeches on both sides up to now, and the winner is the man smart enough to not make any more. There is a great chance for a “silent” third party."

"I haven't seen a tractor working all day. The country has gone sane and got back to horses. Farmers all look worse, but they feel better."

"I hope some of the men who get the most votes will be elected."

"I hope we never live to see the day when a thing is as bad as some of our newspapers make it."

"I joke about prominent men but at heart I believe in ’em. I do think there is time when traces of “dumbness” crop up in official life but not crookedness."

"I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like."

"I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em."

"I know things are going to get better in spite of both sides. Then when things do get better, then you'll hear the yell that will go up. The Democrats will swear that recovery was due to them. Now the Republicans, they'll say it was due to them. Nobody wanted to claim the credit for the country blowing up, but wait until it starts picking up and they'll both be on it then. See? I don't think either one of them knows what it's all about, to be honest with you. Both sides are doing nothing but just looking towards the next election."

"I like to hear a man talk about himself because then I never hear anything, but good."

"I like to make jokes and kid about the senators. They are a never-ending source of amusement, amazement and discouragement. But the rascals, when you meet ’em they are mighty nice fellows. It must be something in the office that makes them so ornery sometimes. When you see what they do official, you want to shoot ’em. But he when looks at you and grins so innocently, you kinder want to kiss him."

"I love a dog, he does nothing for political reasons."

"I love animals and I love politicians. I like to watch both of ’em play either back home in their native state or after they have been captured and sent to a zoo or to Washington."

"I love horses and I only ask--don't let me know which one we are eating today."

"I maintain that it should cost as much to get married as it does to get divorced. Make it look like marriage is worth as much as divorce, even if it ain’t. That would also make the preachers financially independent like it has the lawyers."

"I make a living off (politicians), so I can't knock 'em. Every time we elect some fellow we think he's terrible and then when we get another one in he's worse. So, I am always in favor of keeping the one we've got and let the other go."

"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today."

"I not only "don't choose to run" but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't "choose". I will say "won't run" no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time. A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious."

"I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've ever said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on."

"I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times."

"I read where they are going to limit debate in the Senate. It used to be that a man could talk all day, but now, as soon as he tells all he knows, he has to sit down. Most of these birds will just be getting up and nodding now. Why, some of them won't be able to answer roll call."

"I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em."

"I see by the papers that they are going to do away with all the nuisance taxes. That means that a man can get a marriage license for nothing."

"I see by the papers that they say “Germany is going insane.” I wish you could name me a nation that is competent of judging insanity."

"I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn’t just crazy about us, for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart."

"I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce."

"I tell you, this finding out how to govern a country, or even a state, or county, or even town, has got the whole world licked. There is not a type of government that can point with complete pride and say: There, this is the best that can be had!"

"I think the same fellow who started that self-made man gag started that other asinine expression, “100 per cent American.” Every human from the time he is weaned is self-made. And how do you know when a man is made anyhow? He may be only partly finished when a lot of guys call him made."

"I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up."

"I was born on Nov. 4, which is election day... My birthday has made more men and sent more back to honest work than any other days in the year."

"I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up."

"I was raised on a Cattle Ranch and I never saw or heard of a Ranchman going broke (except) the ones who had borrowed money. You can't break a man that don't borrow; he may not have anything, but Boy! he can look the World in the face and say, 'I don't owe you Birds a nickel.' You will say, what will all the Bankers do? I don't care what they do. Let 'em go to work, if there is any job any of them could earn a living at. Banking and After-Dinner Speaking are two of the most Non-essential industries we have in this country. I am ready to reform if they are."

"I was raised predominantly a Methodist but I have traveled so much, mixed with so many people in all parts of the world, I don’t know just now what I am. I know I have never been a non believer. But I can honestly tell you that I don’t think that any one religion is the religion."